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Tell Me and I Will Protect You: An Unholy Alliance Between Parent and Child

Domenick J. Maglio, Ph.D. Neo-Traditionalist

There has always existed a natural urge to protect one’s children. When this desire is taken too far it can become a liability. When the most powerful authority figure in the child’s life, the parent, undermines other authority figure’s ability to administer legitimate consequences for their child, problems arise. This shortsighted behavior does not help but hinders one’s child from developing into a successful person.

People with status and power like politicians, police officers, teachers and ministers have frequently misused their connections to make their kid’s problems disappear. The general reaction to this blatant abuse of power was utter amazement, shock or outrage. Most knew this was unfair and was in the long run destructive for the child. In our local community we witnessed these children predictably turn into troubled adults.

Modern parents have taken their new found affluence to duplicate rather than learn from the misuse of influence in shielding one’s child from painful though useful lessons. The prevalent modern version of dismissing a child’s atrocious actions is more subtle though no less damaging than the direct method of the past on behalf of the child.

The modern way of preempting punishment is derived from the power of a tacit agreement between parent and child. As long as the parent knows about their child’s unacceptable behavior before beginning interactions with another authority figure the parent will say whatever is needed to eliminate or certainly minimize any punishment for their child. The parent is in cahoots with the child.

“My child told me”, is for the parent what “I’m sorry” has become for the children. Modern children have been taught that saying “I’m sorry” removes any need for accountability. This creates brats. In the same manner a parent saying “I know everything already. My child told me”, is sufficient for the parent to terminate any meeting. The purpose is to appease and neutralize the official who initially called the meeting. Of course the parent, not the authority figure, has already determined the type of consequence, if any that is necessary for their child.

Any consequence insisted upon by the person in charge is negotiated down by the parent. The parent counters each proposed punitive action with their own, which the parent believes is sufficient not to shape their child’s mind rather to thwart any pain for their child. “Protect at any cost” is the motto of many of today’s parents.

The child’s transgressions against the rules are explained away by the parent calmly informing authorities their child told them of their lying, cheating or stealing. In a disarming manner the parents state, often falsely, that they have taken care of the matter. The child is assured that as long as she tells her parent of the problems she is having with authorities, regardless of how atrocious her behavior, she will wrangle out of any severe consequences. No matter how big a lie the parents feel it necessary to tell authorities to mitigate the punishment, the child will not contradict her parent. Indeed this is an unholy alliance.

Modern parents pretending to be “in-charge” parents are eroding their child’s respect for all authority figures including themselves. It does everything to show their child that his anti social behavior will be covered up by their deceitful behavior. These parents are teaching their kids crime does pay. This is a dangerous message to give to a child.

Our children need their parents to do what is best for them rather than project a certain image in their social circles. Punishment for misbehaving ought to be strong enough to teach children moral lessons. Parents need not worry about their reputation as being fantastic parents. Instead they should focus on what is best for the child’s development.

Parenting is not a superficial function that can be faked. It takes a continual ongoing assessment of one’s child by the parent and other significant adults in the child’s life to raise a genuinely healthy child. The child, not the parent, should be accountable for his own behavior after reaching the age of reason. Encouraging one’s child to accept strong consequences, when necessary, from other authority figures is a sign of a strong, mature and wise parent. A parent’s acceptance of other conscientious, responsible, involved adults helping the child to learn not to misbehave may prove to be the difference between a dysfunctional loser and a societal winner.