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The Negatives of Positive Reinforcement

D.J. Maglio

In our modern society too many people, especially children, are being told everything they do is terrific. It is practically like being a publicist for a child making them feel they are perennial stars. In our present politically correct communications straight jacket, no one really knows how well or how poorly he is doing since there are few expectations. Everyone believes he is doing well because no one breaks the unspoken rule of informing another person with an honest but critical comment. In the absence of honest feedback, character formation and skill development plummets. By dumbing down standards we are encouraging a world of mediocrity and a breeding ground for individual disappointment followed by full-blown depression. We have “reality shows” but little reality.

We are living in a world where coaches play everyone regardless of skills even at the high school level. Score is not kept so no one loses and mistakes are ignored instead of corrected. Teachers inflate grades and mark corrections in purple instead of red not to offend the sensibilities of the students. Children are lead to think they are entitled to any material thing they may want from parents who are fearful that withholding material things will lower their child’s self-esteem. This approach has resulted in children who think they are doing great in everything while rarely are competent in anything. It promotes weak, lazy, unmotivated and unhappy children.

Many American parents have accepted the myth of positive reinforcement as the panacea of raising children. Modern parents are too often promoting their child as the best on the block instead of training their children to compete in the world outside the home. This cannot be done without honest criticism that allows the child the opportunity to correct his bad habits.

Pointing out only positive aspects and ignoring the inappropriate behavior is giving the child a false evaluation. A parent who only focuses on perceiving her child’s behavior in positive terms leaves herself blind to the weaknesses of character and inappropriate behavior of the child. A parent using only positive reinforcement unwittingly encourages the child to develop manipulative techniques to avoid responsibility for inappropriate actions.

Although positive reinforcement is easier than traditional discipline, it robs the child of knowing what he needs to improve. This is a counter productive and unkind act. A compulsive need to positively reinforce a child’s behavior when the behavior is not exemplary is a definitive sign that a parent is on a disastrous course in raising children.

Unfortunately an overwhelming number of child development experts are preaching the virtues of positive reinforcement without informing the public of the pitfalls of excessive use of this parenting approach. A child who feels he is receiving acceptance and tacit approval for undesirable behavior is not receiving unconditional loving help, rather he is being set up to accept lower personal standards. Lacking consistent parental standards a child will not be challenged to pick up the cues to extend himself to the next level of personal growth.

There needs to be a balance of positive reinforcement with doses of reality. Only focusing on positive reinforcement leaves a child with many blind spots. A child can have high self-esteem (false esteem) and be intolerable. The child might be a demanding, discourteous, dependent, lazy and obnoxious person yet feel terrific. The credit for this misperception falls at the feet of the parents who are following the skewed teaching of many of the child development experts.

After placing the rose-colored glasses of positive reinforcement on the child, parents cannot protect the child from the honest appraisal of peers, teachers, and most importantly employers. Eventually the child will face the reality of the world and will suffer the pain of not meeting society’s standards.

Only through an honest parental evaluation of the child’s behavior can a child be trained to face the world outside the home. Being too positive in evaluating a child can be as destructive as being too critical.

Feeling self-importance without earning it is self-delusion. Using only positive reinforcement without constructive criticism will result in the child failing to develop “reality lenses” necessary for negotiating through life. Solely relying on positive reinforcement is a sign of poor parenting. We need to temper the use of positive reinforcement with honest criticism. Should we fail to do this we will pay the price of having out-of-control children who become dysfunctional adults.